I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize