I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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