Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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