I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
