I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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