plz talk dirty to me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The feeling are messing with the penis
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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