Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
