i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
