**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Less talking, more tequila
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
