Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
