It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
