I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
