3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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