just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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