I need to stop coming to work sober
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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