I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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