Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
