I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
