I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
