I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
