I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize