Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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