Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
