Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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