Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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