im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
