What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
pray to the hookup gods
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
