Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
