I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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