i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
