Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
