I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
