Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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