On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
