he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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