First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
