Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
