i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
