part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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