I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
