I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
