Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
