Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
