okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
