Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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