Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
