I molested 6 butterflies tonight
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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