Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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