wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
