I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
how does that bad decision feel?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
