When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize