booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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