Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
her facebook's as public as her vagina
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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