i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
