How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Randomize
