I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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